2,711 pages of Talmud. A gem a day.

Today we have one of the most amusing stories as the gem, which really teaches an important lesson still today. After talking about rabbis who followed their teachers into the bathroom to learn how to behave properly when going #2, we read:

“Rav Kahana entered and lay beneath Rav’s bed. He heard Rav chatting and laughing with his wife, and seeing to his needs, i.e., having relations with her. Rav Kahana said out loud: The mouth of Abba, Rav, is like one whom has never eaten a cooked dish, i.e., his behavior was lustful. Rav said to him: Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is an undesirable mode of behavior. Rav Kahana said to him: It is Torah, and I must learn!”

Yes, it’s a bit much. However, we learn a lot from this. We learn that sex is not just for procreation (I remember teaching this to an Intro to Judaism class where one of the students had grown up Orthodox, she was shocked! But it’s true). We learn that it’s proper to connect emotionally with our partners before we connect physically. We learn it’s not just okay, but good and healthy to desire our partners. We learn that there is a holy way to have sexual relations.

This voyeurism is a bit of an old-school talk about the birds and the bees. Why I like it is because we are so uncomfortable sharing with our children what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. Instead, we just want to say “don’t do it!” and, unfortunately either they do, or sadly, when they are intimate in appropriate relationships they still feel shame.

I would never encourage hiding under the bed, but what a great lesson in what a healthy relationship looks like. In making sure your partner is enjoying herself, that there is intimacy of the heart before intimacy of the body, or recognition that this is sacred and should not be shared with others.

Maybe this is how I will talk to my boys about it when it’s time – by having them study Talmud. Much healthier than how most of our kids are learning, from each other and from pornography. Rav is a much healthier route.

Today’s gem involves a lot of text from the daf, but I love it so much.

“Rav Naḥman bar Rav Ḥisda interpreted homiletically: What is the meaning of that which is written: “Then the Lord God formed [vayyitzer] man” (Genesis 2:7), with a double yod? . . . Rabbi Yirmeya ben Elazar, as Rabbi Yirmeya ben Elazar said: The Holy One, Blessed be He, created two faces [du partzufin] on Adam the first human; Adam was created both male and female in a single body, as it is stated: “You have formed me [tzartani] behind and before” (Psalms 139:5); tzartani is derived from the word tzura [face]. God formed two faces on a single creation. . . It is stated: “And the tzela which the Lord, God, had taken from Adam, God made a woman, and brought her unto the man” (Genesis 2:22). . . according to the one who said that Eve was a face, that is why it is written: “And God took one of his sides and closed up the place with flesh in its place” (Genesis 2:21), as it was necessary to close the side that was open.”

So, this text explains why Genesis 1 says, “male and female God created them.” and then in Genesis 2 we read, “Adam was alone in the garden.”

I love this text because it tells a creation story of the ideal person as having both male and female attributes, as being a whole person. But that this perfect person was alone and could not find a suitable mate. So, God put the person to sleep, and split the person in two. Adam was finally capable of love when he literally saw his other half before him.

It is a text of equality. It is a text that teaches that we are only open to love when we are honest about our brokenness and when we’ve made room for another person.

It’s a text that holds up inter-sexed individuals, gender fluid, and those who embrace both their masculine and feminine sides as closer to what the Divine intended.

And it tells a truth about how we need to learn to love ourselves before we can really love others.

So many gems for one day!

texts that tell us to go to the doctor, that if a woman orgasms before her husband they will conceive a boy, the bathroom prayer, the nisim bechol yom (daily miracles that we tend to take for granted), and the story of Rabbi Akiva, who says – everything God does God does for the good, and proceeds to tell a story where no one in the town he was visiting would put him up for the night so he had to sleep in a field. He had a candle, rooster, and donkey with him. The wind blew out the candle, a cat ate the rooster, and a lion ate his donkey – but this is for the good too as solders came into the town and carried the inhabitants away. Rabbi Akiva was safe as he was in a field with no light and no noise animal to give away his whereabouts.

But what’s the gem I want to focus on? “״אֱלֹהַי, נְשָׁמָה שֶׁנָּתַתָּ בִּי טְהוֹרָה My God, the soul You have placed within me is pure.“

This is an important concept in Judaism: We are all born with pure souls. And everyday we have the opportunity to expand our souls or tarnish them, depending on how we interact with the world. And everyday, according to our faith, we can repent, we can change, we can dust off and polish our souls. Each morning we wake up. We take a breath (neshimah) and connect to our pure souls (neshamah). In that breath we connect to the breath that God breathed into Adam. (Scientifically speaking, when we breathe in, we breathe in atoms that may have, indeed, been breathed by our first homosapien ancestor.) And with that breath we are told to give thanks for the purity of our souls.

It’s why Jews don’t do baptism at birth. We are born with pure souls. We believe everyone is. It’s like the teacher who says that “You are starting this class with an A, it’s your job to keep it up.” And if you do mess up, you do make up assignments to make up for it. It’s a nice place to start – feeling loved, clean, enough, miraculously made.

I wish that feeling for everyone.

“When the Holy One, Blessed be God, sought to bring a flood into the world, God took two stars from Pleiades and brought the flood upon the world. And afterward, when God wished to fill the void, God took two stars from Ursa Major and filled the void with them. Why not the same two stars to fill in the gap? A pit cannot be filled by its own earth; Alternatively, a prosecutor cannot become an advocate;“

On today’s daf, the rabbis use a proverbial expression teaching that items that were once instruments of destruction, cannot be used to bring reparation.

There is something about this that is sticking with me. I think it’s the image of digging a hole, and the earth that was removed is somehow, not enough to fill the hole that was dug.

I think this has a deep lesson to teach about how reparation is much more work than destruction. It reminds me of something I learned in a class once (and that I now found in a quick google search at this site: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)

“Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples in the 1970s. They asked couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes, then sat back and watched. After carefully reviewing the tapes and following up with them nine years later, they were able to predict which couples would stay together and which would divorce with over 90% accuracy.

“Their discovery was simple. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes love last.

“That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.

‘“When the masters of marriage are talking about something important,” Dr. Gottman says, “they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection.”’

They put more in than they take out. From this we learn that, if you want to have a successful relationship, you have to have at least 5 genuine compliments for every slight. You have to have work for positive interactions.

I think the pit that can’t be filled by the earth in the Talmud is like this. After a fight, or harsh words, we need something extra, not just a “sorry” but something more to repair the damage. We can’t undo what has been done. It needs to be made up for, and made up for 5 fold.

Today’s Gem is such a good one for us: Ben Zoma would say: How much effort did Adam the first man exert before he found bread to eat: He plowed, sowed, reaped, sheaved, threshed, winnowed in the wind, separated the grain from the chaff, ground the grain into flour, sifted, kneaded, and baked and only thereafter he ate. And I, on the other hand, wake up and find all of these prepared for me. Human society employs a division of labor, and each individual benefits from the service of the entire world. Similarly, how much effort did Adam the first man exert before he found a garment to wear? He sheared, laundered, combed, spun and wove, and only thereafter he found a garment to wear. And I, on the other hand, wake up and find all of these prepared for me. Members of all nations, merchants and craftsmen, diligently come to the entrance of my home, and I wake up and find all of these before me.

Ben Zoma lived in the first and second century C.E. and said a special blessing because he recognized all the hard work that goes into his food, his clothing, his home, and everything he uses on a daily basis – and how all he needs to do is “wake up and find all these prepared for me.” All the more so it is for us today. We wear clothing made on the other side of the planet, have fresh strawberries year round in our grocery stores – but we don’t even need to go to the store! Everything, from clothing, to groceries, to gourmet meals can show up at our doors with the tap of a finger. Sometimes, we don’t even need the tap as things become more and more automated.

What I love about this daf is that it reminds us that we live in an incredible time of convenience – and that is a blessing and deserves recognition and our prayers.

It also reminds us that all these things that are just there for us when we wake up – take so much time and effort to produce. One of my favorite authors, A.J. Jacobs, was getting coffee one day when he was trying to be more grateful. So, he decided he wanted to thank the barista. But that wasn’t enough, he wanted to thank every person who helped to produce his morning cup of coffee. In his book, Thanks a Thousand, he tracks his journey across the globe in his attempt to thank all the hundreds of people that worked to produce this cup of Jo that he just wakes up and gets to enjoy. It also tells of his spiritual growth upon this journey, and about how gratitude leads to more happiness. So, think about what you’re wearing, or the coffee you’re drinking while reading this, and what a blessing it was to be able to wake up and find it there for you.

Give a blessing. Give thanks. There are hundreds of people who have made your life easier, most of whom you will never meet. What a blessing.

Today’s gem: “Shabbat is one-sixtieth of the World-to-Come“

The “Wold-to-Come” is the life that follows this life. It’s often said Jews don’t have heaven or hell, that’s not necessarily so, our heaven and hell don’t look very much like those depicted in popular (Christian) culture, but we have them. What we talk about is the world to come. The world to come is a more balanced world. A good world. A world with study and understanding. It’s Jewish heaven.

No one knows what heaven will be like, but we do know that Shabbat is 1/60th of it – it’s a taste.

What if you had good wine, good food, good friends all together, singing, eating, rejoicing, loving, and talking about things that really matter? What if you were with people you love? Blessing your children? Being blessed? Blessing your partner, being intimate with your partner? What if you had no where you had to rush off to? No phone serving as a leash and pulling you out of the moment? What if you were fully present – if everyone were fully present with one another? Does it sound like a slice of heaven? Because that’s Shabbat.

Rabbi Naomi Levy, in her book, Einstein and the Rabbi, talks about counciling a couple who were thinking of divorce. When she asked them to describe their lives, they talked about their jobs, their kids, their hobbies – but they didn’t talk about their spouse. They were merely roommates. Her solution? She asked them to keep Shabbat.

Now, you are likely reacting like they did – keep Shabbat? That’s not going to work. Well, Rabbi Levy said: What do you have to lose?

The next time she saw them, they were like two kids who had just fallen in love – because they had. Shabbat forced them to turn off the distractions, sit and have good food and good conversation with one another. And they fell back in love.

Powerful stuff this Shabbat.

No wonder it’s 1/60th of the world to come.

Dream a little dream . . .

Todays daf is largely about dreams, and includes an interesting story around a dream interpreter called Bar Haddaya. His interpretations came true, but when someone brought him a dream, if they paid him, he would interpret the dream positively, if they did not pay him, he interpreted the dream negatively – even if it was the exact same dream. Then we read that “one day when Rav was going on a ship with bar Haddayah, that “As bar Haddaya was climbing onto the ship a book fell from him. Rava found it and saw: All dreams follow the mouth, written therein. He said to bar Haddaya: Scoundrel. It was dependent on you, and you caused me so much suffering.”

Rav sees that bar Haddaya wasn’t just saying what he saw in the dream, he was choosing whether to make a positive or negative interpretation and is upset because he interpreted so many dreams badly for Rav! Then we hear that bar Haddaya exiled himself. When in Rome, it seems he has somewhat learned his lesson. When he is asked to interpret dreams, he asks for a zuz. When the man won’t give it to him, he remains silent. However, in the end, Bar Haddaya ends up in trouble again because he could have given a warning to the king by interpreting the dream, but didn’t. He meets a gory end where two cedars are tied to either side of his body and he is torn in two.

The gem? besides an incredibly entertaining story, I would say we have a few good lessons. 1) You get what you pay for. While it seems messed up that bar Haddaya would give such bad fortunes to those who did not pay him, we also have to wonder why Rav, who was wealthy, didn’t pay this man for his services. If you want someone to do a good job, you should pay them their due for their talents. 2) If you have information that could prevent a loss, but you don’t share it, you are liable. If you can warn someone and save them, but don’t, you’re not innocent – you’re accountable. And 3) Don’t trust dream interpreters. As we see from bar Haddaya’s book that falls out of his pocket – the only time it seems that an interpretation of a dream has come true – it’s because the interpreter put the idea in your head and now you are looking to find it in real life. Many verses back up the idea that dream interpreters are quacks, but it was sure entertaining reading about them on today’s daf!

Today’s gem also has to do with prayer. On today’s page, it says that “Anyone who prolongs his prayer and expects it to be answered, will ultimately come to heartache, as it is stated: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12).” The idea here is that the person is prolonging their prayer because they are trying to bend God’s will to match their own will. They believe that if they only pray long enough, God will answer their prayer. While prayer is important, and asking for what you want is a virtiue (as we discussed on an earlier daf), our goal should be to bend our own wills to match the will of God, not the other way around.

the daf continues: “Rabbi Yitzḥak said: Three matters evoke a person’s sins, and they are: Endangering oneself by sitting or standing next to an inclined wall that is about to collapse, expecting prayer to be accepted, and passing a case against another to Heaven.” Here Rabbi Yitzhak is warning that we should be careful with our actions and our thoughts, really a “don’t press your luck”. Don’t sit or stand in a dangerous place and expect nothing to happen to you because you’re so pious. Don’t expect God to listen to your prayers because you’re so wonderful. And don’t ask God to pass judgement on someone else – or God will pass judgement on you!

This reminds me of a wonderful story. A man goes to heaven and the first thing they do is say, welcome to heaven! You have lead a wonderful life. We would love your help in evaluating if this person who recently dies deserves to go to heaven or not. The man agrees. He sees the person’s mitzvot and the persons sins. He sees their faults and their virtue. Finally, he says, I have seen enough, I don’t think this person is deserving of heaven. Then the angel says: that was your life, we will miss you here in heaven.

The moral? Only the humble and non-judgemental would pass the test. Likewise, the humble and non-judgemental would also pass Rabbi Yitzhak’s test.

How many times have I prayed for something that had already been decided, that my prayer had no power to change? How many people have come to me to pray before getting results for biopsies? For exams?

Gem for today: “The mishna states: And one who cries out over the past, it is a vain prayer. For example, one whose wife was pregnant and he says: May it be God’s will that my wife will give birth to a male child, it is a vain prayer. Or one who was walking on the path home and he heard the sound of a scream in the city, and he says: May it be God’s will that this scream will not be from my house, it is a vain prayer. In both cases, the event already occurred.”

I have seen people lose their faith in moments like this.

This is one demonstration of the limits of prayer. Prayer cannot change the past. Prayer cannot change reality. However, prayer can change our ability to let go of the past. Prayer can teach us how to live with a new reality.

And when tragedy strikes. Prayer can anchor us to something bigger than ourselves, bigger than our pain; prayer can anchor us to an Abundant and Endless Love. That Love is there for us even when we lose a piece of our identity through loss of a job, an ability, a loved one.

God can’t change the past. But God can help us to find love and meaning in the present.

Today’s gem: Shmuel raised a dilemma before Rav: What is the halakha with regard to answering amen after the blessings of schoolchildren? Rav said to him: One answers amen following everyone whom we hear recite a blessing, except for schoolchildren, as they recite blessings merely in order to learn them, not as expressions of thanksgiving. This applies specifically at a time when they are not fulfilling their obligation with the recitation of the blessing, but are simply learning. However, at a time when they are fulfilling their obligation through the recitation of a blessing, one answers amen after their blessing.

I liked this piece of text for two reasons: 1) There is a difference between saying a prayer because we are practicing/learning and saying a prayer because we are fulfilling an obligation. I think this gives some permission for kids to be kids, for students to be students, for acknowledging that we need to practice and drill and try things out before we can really do them with intention. And once we do have intention, our age should not matter – we can say amen. 2) That we should listen to the prayers of children and how they are attempting to fulfil their obligation. We have much to learn from our children. They might see things in new ways, they may have un-jaded hope, they might not be polished, but have something to say that deserves for the older generations to listen to, to say amen, to support and fight for.